I Live In The Middle Of Nowhere And Here's The Proof!

Well, as I wait for Dreamweaver to upload some files, which takes ages on this poxy connection of mine, I thought I'd share with you the headlines and features from the local paper "Fenland Citizen" which has a circulation of 41,193.

(What they fail to tell you is that approximately 35,000 of that figure is free circulation!)

Anyway, want to know what the headline is?

FIREWORK ARSON ALERT

Oh no, I hear you cry! There's a major criminal spate of attacks on Firework distributors and sellers in the area?

No.

People are using fireworks to start arson attacks on major public buildings?

No.

As it states in the paper ' a lit firework was posted through the door of Chartered Surveyors offices which went through an open interior door, leaving a black trail across the floor before impaling itself in a door leading to a storage area.'

Now, ignoring the image of a firework thrusting itself on some spike, therefore 'impaling' itself, what the paper fails to tell you is that the 'company' in question is run from a 2 up, 2 down terraced!

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but that hardly warrants an 'arson alert'! Obviously, the people round here haven't experienced urban life. I mean, come on! What are the local headlines in your neighbourhood?

But the headlines are shared this week with a half page spread on Buttercups Day Nursery having a Halloween themed day for the toddlers.

And it gets worse, much worse!

The first 5 pages subsequent to the shocking lead article contain these headings:

"Police Probe Attack" - 1 man had a fight outside a nightclub and had to be treated for minor injuries.
"Children Enjoy Spooky Disco" - Local youthgroups disco.
"Medium Helps In Murder Riddle" - because the police are hopeless, and it's an 8 year old case!
"Girl Braves Pain To Come Dancing" - she had a stress fracture of her left foot.
"Car Driver Saved Our Cats Life" - I kid you not! This is headline news round here!

Argh! Someone save me from monotony and tedium!

No wonder I spend so much time on Xbox.

After all, I could be launching fireworks at spiritualists dressed as ghouls attending the local disco whilst performing CPR on local wildlife!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to return to my coma until next weeks thrilling instalment of local events!